rico (getshaggy) wrote in altdad,
rico
getshaggy
altdad

whah?

is all this poly talk in my looking good?
my stomach hurts, and my head is swimming , and my chest is tight. my heart is crushed.
i feel like she gave up, and made a show of heartache for 2 weeks, and she is already in a rebound relationship.
today at noon she talked to me about another guy she had a crush on a year or so ago being a possibility for her as her partner now leaves to faraway.
i am hurting.
i still am not really looking for a mate, and i am totally committed to my kids, and really, am looking at wether i'm totally committed to her. she is very clear that she is not committed to me right now, and has it openended wether she will be. i am really questioning my motives in all this polyamory philosophy.
was it all staged to show her i wasn't hurting?
is it all just a show? my actions before our breakup- were they intended to get her attention? or was i trying to bring this to a head? well, i've done that.
when the heat wasn't on, and our relationship was in stagnation, i looked elsewhere for my intimate conversation. i was scared of her, and intimidated as hell by her ways of being. i was helping to grow her negative, and aggressive traits, dodging bullets, and hiding my interests, and activities for fear of her criticism.
now that i see my relationship disolving before my very eyes, i'm scared as hell(cries). i can't believe i've been walked away from. with every heartache, i realize i love her more, and more.
how long can i sustain this space? where is my breaking point?
how long can i keep this going?
it's g
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